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Curious

I often wonder what death is like. Those last few seconds right before u know you're about to kick the bucket. Is there really a heaven? A afterlife? Rebirth? Like a sort of reincarnation?....

Is it possible that the very second  you die your soul leaves your body and into a baby being born?

Maybe there really is a heaven and god IS real... with the big ol pearly gates.... 
Or maybe heaven is Your heaven played on repeat and everyone has one that is different.
Maybe Hell is real and you really do burn for eternity.
Or.... maybe you experience  nothing. Just black... the non existence. Like when you sleep but you dont have a dream Or what if it is like having a dream play on repeat.

Ill tell you one thing... If there really is a god... n if i die and he cast judgement on me... ill be pretty upset. Because  God is suppose to know all and see all. And not give you more than you can handle.... then why did he feel like i could handle the things I've been through? Waking up every day wishing today i could take my very last breath. Life is simply waiting on the next bullshit to happen.
I kinda wish death was like one long permanent nap. With or without the dream. Either. Or. Preferably no dream...

But the thing is.... nobody knows....

Confused

I always end up feeling like im just always gonna be for the convenience. Nobody really cares. Im always there for their momentary entertainment and sent on my way to be judged n talked about later. Indont get invites cuz im really just that one really  awkward associate you ask to give u a ride just cuz u dont wanna take the bus type. Im that good...to be better than the bus. Im free... the bus you gotta pay a buck 50. Look how i sound. My comparable model. Better than the bus. FREE Taxi! With a person you trust!. Im queen taxi can confession. They spill me their life in the time it takes to get from point A to point B... and then its Bye Raina! See you again when  i need u again... when my balls are heavy again n i have no one to empty them. When i need some money... and when i need someone to listen to all of my problems like having confession to walk away to come back just when you have a confession. Cuz who talks to me? Who cares about lil ol me? No one. Im the ooh.. theres Raina. Hey btw i need.... and im gullable enough just to play the part I've been given. No questions asked. But how's Raina? Nobody ever stops to ask that. Raina do this. Raina go there.   -sigh- and i do it because one day i wish someone will ask, How are you?

I need to make a decision...

Night

Nights like these.... i wish i had at least one friend ACTUALLY in my corner.... cuz they cared n i could talk to...... [rather than my fake friends who only wanna  hmu when i can do something  for em.... n ignore me the rest of the time]

So stressed......getting depressed and  as i lay here and cry in his room alone.... all i can think of is how i wish i knew where my razors are. Oh well.

Can't  do that anyway. I'd  never  get away with it. Never... cuz there is no way to hide it from this negro. And I'm not tryna have this big thing over it. If i had proper band-aids... idk...

-sigh- just wish i could  stop the pain i feel  inside. N the only thing to take away from my mental pain.... is physically. Eh No basketballs to punch. Hell i don't even have the privacy to fuckin punch basketballs even i realllly  wanted to. No rubberbands to pop...

No meds.... no weed.... no happiness.
Just stress n everyone  depending on me to do everyone elses work....

Tired of the fake caring...
Tired of the fake friends.
Tired of the drama
And most of all..... just tired of life in general.

Happy new year

Well its 2015. Idk how to feel about it.  Never dreamed of 2015 back in 1999. Smh but its here. Really just wanna better myself this year. I want to keep a good positive mind body and spirit n im really gonna put forth the effort to get thst done. Put out positive good karma into the world....

Im so confused with Dustin.... he really lied to me..... for no reason over something so little.  So petty as weed?. Wow. I really just want to reevaluate myself.... if I want change then I have to do it.... n focus on what it is that is causing the situation.  It has to be me.....
I promised myself I wouldn't let this effect me. That I would let it go and not question anything.  But the more and more I try not to question anything.  But now I can't help it cuz I know he'll lie to me.... its bad enough that I know he lies to be about his feelings but.... now I KNOW he lies. -sigh- n he really makes me feel bad. I try to push him to go to work.  Hd gets mad.... its my fault. ... but if I don't. .... than he gets mad..... u gotta push me to work.  I need the hours too. Yeah but u get super pissed if I ask you to come...
I quit.... im not asking.  Any more.  Im telling him n if he joins me.... he joins me. Its whatever.  Im tired of being the bad buy in my own relationship when im doing nothing wrong.  -sigh-

Like i said my goal for when I get this place that I wont get it unless I kno I can afford 100% of everything.  Poi t blank period. No questions. 

-sigh- dustin gets a little more like Vell every single day.... it scares me..... im just waiting.  Because it will happen eventually. .... its inevitable .... and as Dustin changes..... it doesn't suprise me at all.... but like I said.  If me n dustin don't work out then I give up on relationships period. Thats why I really don't want anything from him till he is 26. Like .... im moving out when I save up 8,000 n sure I can afford the bills... originally I wanted me n dustin to get a place but I prefer to get my own. He can just come over.... I feel like im putting too much responsibility on him too soon. Im not tryna push him but I refuse to rush him... n I want him to be really sure he wants to be with me. ... n can handle the fact I have kids...
I don't feel like he can handle it right now. So ill just build myself n when he matures.... ill be here. If not.... ill be chillin.

-sigh-

Annoyed

I've chilled out on my attitude substantially.... but people just love tryna see how far they can push you... n how much you will allow them to get away with.

I hate when its nothing wrong n people ask whats wrong n u tell them nothing but they keep on asking a million times. Smh.. u gone make me mad by you annoyingly keep asking

VAMPIN

I hate nights like this..... because all I can do is cry. All I wanna do is go to sleep,  sooo bad... but yet.... I cant.... no matter how hard I try

Just thinking

I hate to say this..... but,

I feel like maybe I should be alone....

Then I can't bother others with my nonsense and I don't have to put my heart on the line to be broken.

Lonely

I can't really help but for my feelings to be hurt.... but he doesn't see things from my point of view......
So I'm not gonna question the issue anymore.  I've brought it up almost on a daily basis. .... and it hasn't changed thus far..... so I give up hope in wishing it would change. 

maybe im asking for too much? Oh well.  I wont be asking anymore.  Period. I give up.

Besides,  at least when I sleep alone..... I get the whole bed and not the floor.... and I get to utilize my teddy bear...

Yeah.... my teddy bear is the only thing that wont leave me.

At least he's reliable. 

And comfortable....

I wish I could lock myself in a room n just be alone with my thoughts for a while n figure out what im gonna do.... -sigh-
Im not going to be able to afford the apartment I want - by myself and he isn't really showing me signs that he really cares about it.... I mean he cant work his shift to get a regular check NOW when he doesn't have bills.... I don't feel like I can too much rely on him once we do have bills.... and I dont want to put myself in a situation that I know I cant afford.  He assures me that once I come back from my Christmas trip... that he really wanted to get on to moving into the apartment more seriously. ... but I dont think he realizes that..... that wont matter at all if he looses his job before then.... n right now he probably won't be keeping his job too much longer.... with all the no call no shows evvvvvery Saturday.... I love my new position,  I love that things are working out. Slowly..... but surely. ... but .... i feel horrible because I feel like I can't rely on him.... n what he's showing me now.... really tells me I'd be an idiot if I gave him any real responsibility.  -sigh- thats what I get for dating a child in my eyes. .... I love him.... but ....

Im not putting myself into any type of situation that I can not afford by myself.  I'm not moving until I can afford everything myself cuz im not even gonna take the chance.

And in the meantime and inbetween time.... ig ill just make the best out of sleeping alone....

Confused

Well, my mind is in a million places....
but, I could just be trippin.

I'm so angry... and I just want to go off... but I kno that isn't the right thing to do. And I feel like he won't take ny feelings seriously anyways.... just say im trippin cuz I am .. welll havin woman issues.

which is why im trying to not trip balls....
but im tired of him taking my car n running all my gas out drivin his hoe ass friends every fucking where but aint gone put a drop of fuckin gas in MY car.... nor ask for permission to even take it..... the gas I put in my car is for me to get to work.... not to take ur bitch ass friends everywhere in the fucking world.... now I have no gas....and can't make it to fuckin work but you aint gone come out ur pocket one red cent for some gas either... but quick than a bitch to volunteer that bitch... n it aint even yours... ugh.. I pay that car payment. I pay the insurance. iii doooo ... and I put every single drop of gas in that bitch.... so just dont fucking touch my fucking car. damn.

-sigh-

cant sleep

cant sleep,  but I gotta be up soon for work today.  I gotta lot on my mind.... but for once.... my thoughts aren't stressed. I stuck through the hard shit and now things are getting better. I've for the most part got caught up on everything......
They finally hired me on full time.... which now my checks come the monday b4 my car payment is due. so now since I got caught up with the payments.  now when I get paid on money, I can pay my car ahead on time. everything smooth.  I do have to get new insurance tho. I have the money... I just ugh... ill be calling on money to start a new policy. I got the boys a layaway at kmart for Christmas stuff. my payment isnt due till the 26th. but kma pay that monday. im so excited.  I should have plenty saved up, even if I don't get over time.... for this trip for Christmas.  I can't wait to see the boys open up Christmas gifts.

I got them a shit ton of things at kmart. I still plan on getting a lot more.  Im gonna get them skylanders for the xbox. I'm gonna get them a bunch of comics... im so stoked that x liked the batman comics I got him. man, I love them so much.  I just want them happy.  at the end of the day, thats all that matters. 

setting mini goals qnd working my way back to the top. After this Christmas trip. and well possibly a mini weekend birthday trip in Jan/Feb ... my next goal is to save up... then find a really nice new place.  I kinda hope to get a house,  that way .... i won't be paranoid about the smoking lol. plus I kinda want a bit of permanency at this new place I get. i really am hoping we can get like a rent to own... I just want a home thats mine.... for good.  I really wanna get the chance to do the boys room how I really want to it...have a garden... ooh im excited....

Moving away from Detroit was a good thing. I can finally focus on moving on in my life.  hopefully I can let go of all these memories.... eh. I gotta be up in an hr sooooo. I guess I should go to bed. 

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